Use this checklist of parenting tips and strategies to set clear limits and expectations, establish consequences, build self-esteem, and grow desired behaviors for neurodivergent children.
The most effective parenting style balances warmth and clear limits. Experts call it “authoritative parenting,” and it has been found to be positive for a child’s overall development.
Parents raising neurodivergent children — kids with ADHD, autism, learning disorders, and other conditions — generally benefit when they apply a wider range of these strategies more frequently and over a longer period of time. Many neurodivergent families also seek the help of a mental health professional to apply these techniques and tailor them to a child’s individual needs.
Praise, and other forms of attention, act as the sunshine and fertilizer that positive behaviors need to bloom — without them, undesired behaviors, or the weeds, may overtake the garden.
Provide lots of praise throughout the day, especially to counteract negative feedback your child may have received.
Sometimes, children will seek a parent’s attention in less constructive ways, like via whining, interrupting, and being purposely annoying. Paying attention to these behaviors reinforces them. Instead, ignore these behaviors and actively wait for the opportunity to praise the good behaviors that come through. If your child typically whines when they have to wait, ignore the whining and praise them when they stop whining and demonstrate patience. Say, “Thank you for waiting calmly while I finish my phone call.”
Validating your child’s feelings helps them feel understood, builds connection, and takes the edge off tense situations. Validation communicates to your child or teen that their thoughts and feelings make sense, even if you disagree with their reaction. Actively listen and reflect back what you hear to show your child that you understand. Say, “I get that you’re upset with me because I don’t want you to go out right now. I know it feels unfair that your friends can stay out.”
Don’t jump to solving problems or trying to make your child “feel better.” If your child expresses that they’re worried about a math test, say, “I know how important getting good grades is to you. I hear that you’re nervous.” Saying “You’re going to do great!” may make your child feel like what they’re feeling — nervousness — isn’t okay.
Build your child’s social-emotional awareness by helping them accurately label their feelings and the emotions they observe in others.
Rewards are powerful incentives for better behavior. Here are a few guidelines for effective rewarding:
A positive, open, trusting, and warm relationship with your child is the foundation for setting limits and encouraging the behavior you want to see. Set aside regular child-led, one-on-one time – even 5 to 15 minutes a day can be beneficial.
Teach your child to deal with uncomfortable and stressful situations in healthy ways. Distress-tolerance skills improve our ability to handle discomfort without resorting to behaviors that can make a situation worse. Examples of distress-tolerance strategies include:
Self-care is how we attend to our emotional wellbeing. Teach your child that it’s okay to fill their cup and engage in self-care practices by modeling your own use of self-care. Examples of self-care for kids include:
All kids like to feel some sense of control. Provide them with choices whenever possible to cut through resistance and build their sense of autonomy, even within a framework of desired behaviors. For example:
When-then statements are a good way to motivate desired behaviors. Examples of when-then statements include:
Routines and other forms of daily structure ground your child, reduce stress, and help with organization.
Repeat behavioral expectations right before you want the behavior to happen, no matter how many times your child has done the same activity. As you approach the playground, for example, lay out the behaviors you hope to see: “It’s important to walk, wait your turn to play, use the equipment safely, and ask somebody first before playing.”
Screen use is a major pain point in many households. It’s important to set clear rules around using devices to make conflict less likely. Establish rules around digital curfews (no tablet use an hour before bedtime, for example), screen-free zones (like at the dinner table), type of content allowed to be viewed, daily time limits, and other areas that matter to you.
Give 10-, 5-, and 1-minute countdown warnings to your child, especially if they’re going from a preferred activity — like video game time — to a less-preferred activity — like dinner or homework. Warnings help bring down the temperature during an otherwise heated transition.
Carve out physical spaces at home for work, play, rest, and other functions. Having separate spaces for different activities and tasks helps your child stay organized and focused. Keep your child’s workspace free from distraction and clutter. The materials they need should be accessible and organized by a clear and easy-to-use system.
Guide your child toward independence with the right balance of supports and expectations. Attend to your child’s strengths and individual differences. What kind of support will your child need, for example, to independently clean their room if they struggle with following directions, working memory, and other symptoms of ADHD? A visual checklist that breaks the task into smaller parts may help your child get the job done.
Follow these guidelines to establish effective consequences for your child.
Kids easily pick up on what we are (and aren’t) doing. It’s more likely you will see the behaviors you want from your child if they see you practicing what you preach.
The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude webinar titled, “Parenting Styles That Work for Neurodivergent Children” [Video Replay & Podcast #481] with Caroline Mendel, PsyD, which was broadcast on November 29, 2023.
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